How I changed a destructive relationship to food into a loving one

Food and I...we go way back.

The first sign of my destructive relationship with food started in either 1st or 2nd grade when I threw away my entire uneaten lunch after recess. Next was closet eating which became a daily habit and eventually turned into a game - how sneaky could I be without getting “caught” eating? Over the years I became a master of sneaking food and hiding my traces...or so I thought. I was called fat several times - ironic in fact because looking back, I was far from it! Starting at a young age I was very aware of my body. I was ashamed of what I saw in the mirror and became obsessed with what it was I thought I wanted to look like. 

Diets seemed to be a constant growing up - no matter what my weight was I felt like I needed to lose more. If I wasn’t on a diet, I was thinking I should be...probably while eating something “bad” and body checking all at the same time! I joined Weight Watchers in high school and was by far the youngest member there, I did various cleanses and went through several bouts of anorexia followed by binge eating. Arguments with my parents about being unhappy in my body, having “nothing” to wear and worrying about what other people thought of me defined our relationship. My relationship to food was destroying not only me but also my family and it certainly got in the way of my friendships and confidence around the gents.

It all came to a head my junior year of college when I came home for spring break. My eating disorder was at an all time high and I (finally) hit rock bottom. My parents and I decided it would be best if I took the term off to begin my recovery. The following week I enrolled in an in-patient program in San Diego. This marked the start of my six-year recovery. I ended up going back to school the next fall term where I found a team of psychologists because we realized the root of my eating disorder was emotional, as it typically is.

We made several breakthroughs over the next few years but my relationship to food continued to be a roller coaster ride and past behaviors showed face. Patterns included measuring my food out of fear of overeating or undereating, restricting myself followed by bouts of binging and I even joined Weight Watchers again.

It wasn’t until I started seeing my therapist, Dr. A (if you follow my From Lupus to Lyme blog her name might sound familiar) that my relationship started to change. She taught me the power of changing judgement to curiosity. Initially, she introduced this idea to help me connect to my body while treating “lupus” (which we later found out was a misdiagnosis for Lyme Disease but that's a whole other story!) but soon after, I started to apply it to food. 

Being curious about my food choices allowed me to explore the relationship in a non-judgemental way which in turn took fear, anger and anxiety out of the equation. If I reached for a handful of M&M’s, instead of getting down on myself I started to get curious about that choice. Why was I reaching for them? Was it a physical craving or an emotional one? How intense was the craving? Was I even conscious of it?

So, while I was bringing curiosity to my food choices I was also exploring how “lupus” was affecting my body and suddenly the dots started to connect. By removing the emotional element I was able to physically feel the influence food had on my body. For example, if I ate ice cream, I noticed my tummy would be in knots for two days, bread would cause my hands would swell up and be in pain and sugar made my anxiety and stress levels go through the roof. These symptoms had always been there but I was finally in a conscious state of mind to feel them. This was the turning point in my recovery from not only an eating disorder but also from “lupus,” later turned Lyme.  

My relationship to food became more practical and less emotional. I was now dedicated to listening to my body and giving it the food it was asking for, which was surprisingly easy to read. Once this clicked there was no turning back and my destructive relationship with food turned into a loving one. My relationship changed so much so I decided to become a nutritional consultant! 

Friends have asked if working so close to food ever triggers past behaviors. Old thoughts and behaviors will pop up every now and again but instead of succumbing to them and being judgemental, I get curious and incorporate self-compassion. In fact, I would argue that becoming a nutritional consultant was the final stage in my recovery. My professional education has taught me the practical and scientific element of food while my personal experience has taught me the emotional element. 

This approach to food is the best “non-diet” diet I have found. By getting curious, listening to and trusting what it is my body needs, I’ve been able to maintain a healthy and healing relationship with food for almost 5 years. I feel more connected to myself now than I ever have and truly feel this approach helped me recover from an eating disorder, nearly fifteen chronic illnesses as well as chronic Lyme Disease.

Unfortunately, our culture relies on diets and a number on the scale to bring happiness. It seems nearly every other day we’re told to eat this or avoid that to lose weight. Even as a nutritionist, it’s hard to keep up with all of the trending information! But the surplus of information has been successful at one thing: further disconnecting us from our bodies. Instead of trusting our body cues and listening to what we need, we put our trust in fad diets that get us further away from our goals. When it comes to dieting, one size does not fit all. What may work for me, might be destructive for you. It’s silly to assume the latest and greatest diet will work for the general population.

You may be throwing your hands up and thinking, “but I want to lose weight or achieve X goal. How can I do so without dieting?” The answer is “simple,” let your body be your guide.

I say "simple" because it’s quite the opposite and it irks me when I see this open-ended advice. If it were simple, we’d all be doing it! It sounds lovely but we're left in the dark on the next step: how to let our bodies be our guide.

I’m thrilled to say I have developed "the how:" Wiser Eating.  

Wiser Eating is an online course that covers the what, the why and the how and I can’t wait to share it with you very soon! 

"The how" takes time, commitment and emotional vulnerability, all things that require more energy and investment than avoiding this food or eating that.  But speaking from personal experience, it’s worth it and truth be told may not be as scary as you think.

By applying the Wiser Eating approach, you can say sayonara to old and limiting beliefs, find ways to make the emotions more approachable and take your time as you begin to combat old habits to form new ones.

As a nutritional consultant, I recognize I am going against the grain by focusing less on the food and more on the relationship to food. But if you’re like me and have been tied down by diets, negative self-talk and the inability to reach your goals then you know deep in your heart that the change you're craving must come by approaching the root issue, not ignoring it.

Establishing a healthy and loving relationship with food and your body is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. What are you waiting for?

If you're interested in learning more about Wiser Eating, email me at ali@wiserwellness.live.